Sketch: A Steel Paragons MC Novel (The Coast: Book 12) Page 9

  I took a seat at the bar off the side of the kitchen. She slid the steaming food in front of me and my eyes tracked her every move. Then she poured me a fresh cup of coffee and I had to admit that I gave her puppy dog eyes because it didn’t have any creamer in it.

  She laughed. It was so cute.

  My eyes dropped to her ass as she walked to the fridge to grab the creamer.

  Once I had that shit in my hands, I filled my cup up until there wasn’t any room left.

  All she did was smile and shake her head at me.

  It was that smile on her face that made my fucking day. Like she knew it was coming and she had nothing to say about it.

  Because she accepted even this little thing about me.

  As stupid as it might have been.

  Ridiculous even.

  Then it got me to thinking about all the shit she didn’t know. The kind of shit I didn’t want her to ever find out about. Except I was smart enough that I knew it would have to come out at some point. If she was going to give me her love, she deserved to know who she was lovin’.

  She stood on the other side of the counter and watched as I dug into my food.

  I ate that shit down too.

  Damn, she could cook.

  Have I said that before?

  I still couldn’t get over that shit.

  The bacon was perfect. The eggs, fuckin’ fluffy. And that biscuit tasted like it was scratch-made. She’d even spread butter and honey on it which I didn’t know was a thing. A thing that I’d be doing more from now on.

  There was no doubt in my mind I loved this woman.

  Even though I never thought I could love.

  But here I was, these weird as fuck feelings going through me and all these thoughts that I’d read on other people’s faces before. Was this the kind of shit Brand and Blade thought when they looked at their women? I almost wished I could see myself in a mirror right now ‘cause I had no doubt I was wearing some sappy fuckin’ expression like I’d seen on them.

  I looked up after I shoved the last overflowing forkful of food in my mouth. I saw the questions in her eyes but I knew she was too sweet and polite to ask them.

  So here was my chance to just come right out and say it all. If she didn’t want me after that, then she didn’t want me.

  Simple as that.

  Except it wasn’t because I so desperately wanted to believe the words she’d said to me just hours ago.

  I went to wipe my mouth with the back of my hand but stopped short when I saw the paper napkin she’d set out to put my utensils on. With a shaky hand, I grabbed it and made sure I wasn’t a mess.

  Then I looked at her and readied myself to tell her everything.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Melissa

  I had questions.

  I did.

  I would never ask them out loud, mostly because part of me didn’t even want to know what the answers would be.

  Sketch was broken but he was also so strong. Whatever he’d been through hadn’t been easy. That much was clear just by looking at him. He held himself in such a way that it tended to turn people off. All the tattoos, they were for the same reasons, too. He wanted people to judge him right off the bat because that way they couldn’t be let down and disgusted by the truth behind it all.

  They wouldn’t ever even get that far because he had this shell around him that turned people away.

  And while he was smooth and playful on the surface, it was all part of his act. His protective barrier to hide all the things he didn’t want people to see.

  “I’ma give you the short version and if there’s more you want to know, you gotta ask. Alright?” His expression flickered from scared to hard in the blink of an eye.

  He didn’t want to do this.

  Yet he felt he needed to.

  I should have stopped him, but I hoped more than anything that if he got it off his chest, he would feel some sense of being freed from his past.

  I knew it wasn’t that easy, but I wanted to take some of the burden for him. And more importantly, I wanted to show him that whatever was in his past didn’t matter because I was with him. I wouldn’t leave his side. I knew deep down in my heart that I had fallen for him. With that came a whole slew of things I hadn’t even begun to deal with, but it didn’t matter. Sketch was different from everything I’d ever known. However, that feeling I had when I was with him— even just looking at him— was one that I wanted to hold on to for a lifetime.

  I vowed silently that I wouldn’t let him down. That no matter what he told me, I’d still be here for him.

  “So, I told you all about how I spent the first half of my life.” I nodded to let him know that I hadn’t forgotten. “Left some things out that probably ain’t gonna be so great to hear. But I guess you need to know before I go on so you can understand how it all came to be.”

  I stood still and kept my gaze on him. I hated the space of the countertop that was between us but I had this fear that if I moved, he’d stop talking.

  “Moms wasn’t good at being a moms. Pretty sure that’s a given. But anyway. I was raised by her pimp and his hos. He was my only role model, so I took to being like him. Didn’t know any different, ya know? Bitches were nothing and they better fuckin’ listen or else.”

  He paused and shook his head as if he were shaking away some memories he didn’t want to deal with right now.

  “Moms couldn’t handle life, so she got high any chance she got. Fuck food. Fuck takin’ care of her kid. As long as she was floating, life was all good,” he said, his eyes didn’t hold much emotion and I wondered if he was numb to his past or trying hard to suppress everything in order to make it through this. “At one point, she tried to get free. Didn’t try to be a moms, but at least she’d cared long enough to see that it wasn’t a place for me to be. Had to count for something, right?”

  “But it didn’t last?” I asked because I could hear it in his tone.

  “Nah, she weren’t strong enough.” He shrugged but I could see the pain coming to the surface.

  He’d been a boy that thought his life was turning around. He thought he’d finally got the one thing he didn’t even know he needed. With every word he spoke, my heart broke a little more for him. How could someone do that? How could you bring a defenseless child into this world and leave them to fend for themselves? I hated her. I did. And I wasn’t ashamed to let myself silently admit it. I hoped I’d never meet her. I really did. Because there was this protectiveness inside of me that had an urge to strangle the piece of shit woman.

  “I didn’t like hurting people,” he said, pulling me out of my anger-fueled thoughts. “I did it because I thought it was the way and shit. But I didn’t like them hos crying. Couldn’t tell you why, I just didn’t. It wasn’t like I knew what shit like love and affection were, so I got no clue how I felt any kind of compassion or whatever.”

  Because he was meant to be more, I silently said to myself. Even if I told him that, he wouldn’t see it. He wouldn’t believe it no matter what.

  “I think I was around eleven, maybe, when I got my first taste of what it was like to be with a woman. Them hos showed me how it was done and I didn’t even know what was really going on. Think Ronnie was thinkin’ of pimping me out, too. Probably woulda made a lotta money off my kid ass.”

  I blinked at him in total shock. I couldn’t hide my expression even if I tried. I imagine if I really had time to think about it, I would have wondered if something along those lines might have happened. But to hear him say it… He had been so young. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole thing.

  Except, it wasn’t about me. My feelings mattered, but he didn’t need me telling him how wrong that was. I wasn’t sure what he needed, to be honest. It was clear that he already knew the life he’d had to live through wasn’t anything someone should have to go through.

  “I got out,” he told me. The look in his eyes said to me that it didn’t much matter that he had thou
gh. “I ran. Figured I’d take my chances living on the streets and all. It wasn’t like I didn’t really take care of myself anyway. I didn’t have much to lose, right?”

  I couldn’t hold back any longer.

  I walked around the island and wrapped him up in my arms. My lips met his temple and as my lids drifted closed, the tears slipped down my cheeks.

  He leaned into me but that was it. I could tell by the lack of movement that his forearms remained pressed against the counter and his fists were still balled up tight. His body was remained stiff, but he was giving me the tiniest bit of reassurance that I had done the right thing. He couldn’t let himself go completely because he didn’t know how to accept love or compassion. Nor did he know what to do with the fact that all I wanted to do was console him and show that the past didn’t matter.

  Sketch had done nothing but build up walls from the moment he was born. He’d had to be strong and resilient. Because if he didn’t take care of himself, then he wouldn’t survive.

  As I stood there trying to process everything he was telling me, I wanted nothing more than to slip behind those walls. To tear them down and be the one to shield him from anything that might try to harm him. To show him that there was someone on his side— right by his side.

  “It wasn’t any easier was it?” I asked softly.

  “Nah, but that was all I knew. Life wasn’t supposed to be easy and I sure as fuck wasn’t looking for it to be. Hell, didn’t think I knew what easy was.”

  His words came out flat. I didn’t push for more.

  He cleared his throat and it seemed to break something inside of him. His arm slipped off the counter and wrapped around my waist. Then his head came to rest against my shoulder.

  “Your smell,” he whispered softly, causing me to worry about my need to shower. “It’s that smell I always imagined but couldn’t explain. It’s like the smell of what I want home to be. Suppose that’s a really stupid thing to say.”

  I smiled, though it was the worst time to show any sort of bliss. I found myself amazed that I liked smelling of home to him.

  “Listen, if you want me to get this shit out, you gotta back off,” he told me and his tone sounded as if he was trying to be playful. “I get all distracted when you got your hands on me.”

  “Fine,” I said with a small laugh. I backed off and gave him some space.

  “Nah, I’m just messing,” he said, pulling me into his side again. “But this is gonna wrap up quick, alright?”

  “Okay,” I told him before placing a light kiss on his lips.

  “Became a street kid. Might not have been school smart, but I knew how to get around in the shadows. I guess it wasn’t really all that hard for me to be out on my own. I knew how to fight, so I was able to keep the place I’d found for the night. Was able to keep what little shit I had. Then it was like these other kids started gravitating to me. And I started taking care of them because there wasn’t anyone else to do it. Most of them weren’t as hard as me. Couldn’t just let them try and make it on their own.”

  Hearing him talk only proved that there was so much more to him.

  He might not have thought he knew love, but it was clear that he had it inside of him. If he didn’t, he would have walked away easily and only worried about himself.

  He pulled away from me and his whole demeanor changed again. He went hard. That told me I needed to prepare myself for what he was about to say.

  “This probably ain’t gonna be easy to hear, but you need to know this shit if… if…”

  “I want you, Sketch. I do. I’ve stopped questioning it so don’t you dare do it. I’ve accepted that even though you aren’t what I imagined as my future, there is something here I can no longer deny. Every part of you that you set free to me, only makes me realize how much I don’t want to know a life without you in it.”

  That was as close to saying I loved him as it got. Honestly, I almost let it come out even though I hadn’t fully processed that feeling and what it might have meant. Did it really matter? I was quickly coming to the realization that you couldn’t run from love. And I shouldn’t. Not when he made me feel so alive. Not when he accepted me as I was.

  But I didn’t think he was ready to hear it. He wasn’t ready to let it in. And if I said it too soon, he wouldn’t believe me. I had this feeling deep inside that he’d do everything to push me away because he wouldn’t think how I felt was true or that he was worthy of it.

  I had time.

  I’d wait.

  Because Sketch was worth it.

  “It wasn’t long before I had all these people that I felt responsible for,” he said, his gaze down on his plate, staring blankly at the tiny crumbs left there. “They were hungry and cold and so many other things. They were lookin’ at me to tell them what to do. How to get food and shit. I got pretty good at liftin’ shit but it was never enough. A loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter only lasted so long. So, I had to find other ways. And the only thing I knew… I guess I’d learned a lot from my moms and Ronnie, because that first night I went out and offered up the one thing I had to get some cash, well, I made bank. Okay, not bank. But I made enough to get us some pizzas from this cheap place I’d found. Though, now that I think about it, I think he gave me a good deal on that shit.”

  I stood there shocked as I took in his words. I did my best to hide it from my face but it wasn’t like it mattered because he refused to look at me. His body was pulled tight, almost as if he was locked in that position. His mouth was the only thing that moved as he pushed the words out. I wondered if he was even here with me. That maybe a big part of him had to shut down in order to get it out.

  “I sucked dick for money. Can’t even tell you how many times I did it. Can’t even tell you what went through my mind those first couple of times. Men were easier prey and a lot more accessible than women. Women didn’t often come to my side of the tracks. So I had to take what was available. And when someone offered me a lot more than what I got for takin’ a load down my throat, I didn’t even hesitate. The money was the only thing that mattered.”

  He let out a long breath. His hand uncurled but only so his nails could attempt to dig into the hard surface of the countertop. I was afraid he would rip them off with how he was going on.

  “Sketch,” I said softly, unable to hold myself back any longer. My hand went to cover one of his. I slipped my fingers through the spaces between his and simply held on. “I’m still here. Finish it.”

  I tried to be encouraging and reassuring but I wasn’t even sure if he heard me.

  “I tried so hard to keep my head above water. But there were too many of them. We moved around because we had to. To keep them safe, we had to keep moving. There were places we could go when it was hot, but they weren’t good when it was cold. And food was few and far between. Forget clothes. Forget any of that other shit. I could barely keep everyone alive. And when they realized how I got money, they figured they had no other choice but to do it too. I didn’t want that for them, but I was only one person.”

  “You did what you could. You can’t keep holding onto it. You can’t blame yourself,” I told him.

  “My best wasn’t good enough. You know what that feels like?” he asked but didn’t look at me.

  Maybe I did.

  I hadn’t been able to keep my husband though I’d given it my best.

  But that in no way compared to what he’d had to go through.

  “I always tried to smile. Tried to joke around,” he went on when I didn’t say anything. “I had to make the most of it, ya know, so everyone else would do the same. But inside, I was drowning. There were times I wanted to give up, just let go and let it take me under. Then I thought that I’d made it this far, so why quit now? But what was the point if I wasn’t gettin’ anywhere?”

  “You’ve never told that to anyone, have you?”

  “No, why would I? No one gave a shit about me and when I found people who did, the last thing they needed was to se
e the uglier parts of me.”

  “But, if they really care about you, they’ll be there to help you through anything.”

  “Will they?” He shrugged. “I don’t know that. Not gonna take the chance that they won’t, ‘cause without the club, I ain’t got shit.”

  I barely kept my sigh at bay.

  I wished more than anything he could see a world where he was loved.

  The way Tripp talked about the club, I knew they’d be there for anything. But Sketch wouldn’t let himself be open to it.

  “Anyway, I got it good now and I don’t feel that way. Took me a long time, but I made it.”

  “Yes, you did,” I assured him.

  “That’s all I got. Now you know more than anyone else ever has.”

  “Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me.”

  “You ain’t gonna kick me out now?” His eyes dragged themselves to meet mine as he asked the question.

  “Never,” I told him, tears welled in my eyes and I couldn’t hold them back. “Never.”

  Then I kissed him just so he knew that I meant it.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Melissa

  Sketch was gone and I had the day to myself.

  He had to do some things for the club, which he didn’t go into detail about and I didn’t press him about it. Then he said he had to go see someone. That was all the explanation I received this morning as he kissed me before he left.

  I was fine with it.

  To be honest, I needed a little headspace after the day we’d had yesterday.

  We’d been spending a lot of time together. This thing had kind of came on fast and strong. And with him opening up to me, I was all over the place. But not necessarily in a bad way. No, not in a bad way at all. However, I knew I’d have to work through all these things on my own, without him around to see how hurt I was for him.

  I planned to clean the little condo I’d rented. Cleaning was something that always helped me sort through anything that I couldn’t figure out. However, this wasn’t really about me needing to figure out something. It was more that I needed time to process and realign my mind.